Digimon Tamers: Blasted Teenagers
by Mattias
Summary: Short stories of what happened to the Tamers years after the defeat of the D Reaper.  Be warned, reading this could change your perception of the Tamers series for good!
1. The Death of the Fourth Wall

**Digimon Tamers**  
_Blasted Teenagers_

(**WARNING:** You may never look at Tamers the same way again! I've changed the fan fiction rating to 'M' just to be safe, mostly for coarse language and some crude humour. You've been warned; I don't want to see any complaints regarding what you've been warned about.)

It was a beautiful, sunny day. Guilmon was in his usual hiding place in the park. Of course, this story takes place several years after the D-Reaper incident. As the omniscient narrator, I am expected to explain everything that's going on. However, that doesn't mean I'm obligated. I'll take liberties, oh yes. There will be some ass to be kicked.

I have just been notified that narrators who act unprofessional shall be terminated immediately. Certainly I hope they're referring to my job, and are not actually threatening my life. Because if they are, then legal action shall take place. Okay, it is my job, and I've just gotten written up, again. Come on, it was $2.50 cocktail night last night! And karaoke!

Oh yeah, there's a story to tell. Anyway, Takato, as we all know, has also aged. Heck, everyone still alive during that time period has aged. I don't need to tell you that. School was done for the summer, and he was under a large tree drawing, a favourite pass time of his.

Guilmon was awakened about to perform his morning ritual: to search for bread. He attempted to speak, but the phlegm-y sound he produced started to make him cough. Then, before he knew it, a large development of phlegm was in his mouth. He turned to the side and spat it out. He sighed, and breathed in relief; his words no longer sounded blurred.

"Thank the _maker_!" he spat in a clear, crisp deep bass tone. Pulling out a cigarette from...somewhere on him (don't ask), he breathed heavily and lit the tip with the flame he produced. He took a few puffs and breathed a sigh of delight. "It's been _ages_ since I could do this. Wow."

The teen years have started. Good luck, Takato.

Rudely tossing his cigarette butt into the forest despite a trash bin being nearby, he sniffed out Takato nearby. Approaching him, he started to nudge him.

"Yo, Takato, I'm hungry. Where's bread?" he asked bluntly. Takato, ignoring Guilmon, continued to draw in his sketch book.

Guilmon continued to nudge Takato. Then he grew frustrated, lifted his claw and took a swipe to the back of Takato's head. Takato, in obvious pain, dropped his sketchbook and clutched his head.

"Bitch, I am _talking_ to you!" shouted Guilmon.

"Damn it, Guilmon, you couldn't wait until I finished outlining this, could you," replied Takato, checking his hands to see if there was blood. "Oh, great, you cut me. Thanks."

"You could have responded, too, jack-hole!"

"You blasted teenager..." muttered Takato. The studio audience, who was paid to sit and force laughter for un-comical, predictable humour, began applauding with appreciation to Takato's comment, which was related to the title of this very weak piece of fan fiction.

I've been told by the author not to make any comments on his work of crap--er, work of...'parody' I believe he calls it. Here's a tip; parodies are typically _humourous_. You suck.

Narration has been replaced. Apologies for the inconvenience, and thanks shall be given out to those patient enough to hang around this work in progress.

"I smell a Digimon," said Guilmon, his eyes now a bright yellow.

"Shut up, Guilmon. I'll get you bread, later."

* * *

"I don't know what to do, Henry," said Takato, drinking tea on Henry's dining room table. 

"Well, the change in behaviour is pretty blatant. Have you noticed him listening to any peculiar music, lately?" asked Henry.

"Actually, now that you mention it..."

Takato told the story when one day, he was permitted by his parents to keep Guilmon at their residence above the bakery. He noticed some bizarre noises coming from his bedroom. He crept up to it, and was about to open the door, then heard Guilmon singing...

"Like a virgin..._OOH_!" There was a brief pause in his singing before he heard him say, "_I...LOVE...MADONNA_."

"Who?" asked Henry.

"Some American whore who makes pop albums," responded Takato. "That's what Guilmon says she is, anyway. And then, one day..."

Takato, later that week, went to see Guilmon at his hideout, when he found his Digimon patrtner...pleasuring himself to a large cut-out poster of Madonna.

"Takato, Digimon can't masturbate; they have no sex organs and can't reproduce."

"I didn't think so, either! But look at _this!_" Takato placed his backpack on the table and pulled out a large, white egg covered in red spots.

"That can't be a result of Guilmon pretending to jerk it."

There was an awkward silence and a strange look from Takato.

"What?" asked Henry.

"You don't seem the type to use that kind of word, is all," replied Takato. "Whatever. I saw Guilmon carrying this around. He had to have done..._something_ to get it."

"Digi-eggs aren't that uncommon, Takato."

Suddenly, there was the sound of the floor creaking, as a very angry and hostile Guilmon emerged from behind Henry's couch and looked at Takato with blood lust in his eyes.

"Guilmon...?"

"My baby..._give me my baby_!" he shouted as he pounced on Takato, knocking over the egg, a hot cup of tea, and of course, Takato.

"Guilmon, what the fuck?!" shouted Takato in obvious anger and frustration.

"You...you want me to have an abortion, don't you!"

"What are you talking about?! Get off me!"

"How did you even get in here?" asked Henry, pushing off Guilmon and helping Takato to his feet.

"I am like the wind," responded Guilmon, his eyes still bloodshot. "I move with it."

Takato started smelling the air around him and made a wry look. Henry did as well.

"Guilmon...are you high?" asked Takato.

Guilmon stared at Takato for a few moments.

"No..." he responded, and started sniffing his arms and his chest nervously.

"Where did you get pot from?" asked Takato.

"Terriermon," replied Guilmon, who pointed to a stoned Terriermon on the sofa.

"Henry...mo-man-tai," whispered Terriermon, astonished by the size of his ears.

"You are in _so_ much trouble," said a shocked Henry.

"Dude, your sister gave it to me. That is some _amazing_ shit," he responded, laughing. "Guilmon, don't think any differently of me for saying this, but you have a sweet ass."

"I know, eh? I've been climbing a lot of stairs!" Guilmon turned his back to Takato. "Takato, Takato, feel my ass. It's like steel."

"_NO!_ Both of you shut up!" shouted Takato, pushing away Guilmon's tail.

"Takato, my parents are going to be back in a few hours; what are we going to do?!" asked a nervous Henry.

"The smell's everywhere, Henry. You're pretty much screwed," responded Takato.

"Open all the windows."

Henry approached the balcony window and opened it all the way. He then went to each of the individual bedrooms and opened them as well while Takato took each of the lit blunts and tossed them out the balcony window.

He turned around and noticed Guilmon trying to bite into the egg.

"Hey!" shouted Takato, taking back the egg. "Don't eat it!"

"Pfft," responded Guilmon, blowing raspberries. "Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do. Knowing you, you'll just run off with another woman and won't pay child support! I can't bring a child into this world who will learn that his father quit on his family!"

"Sweet Mother Mary, I need a drink right now," muttered Takato

"Takato, remember the night when we made love?"

"Guilmon, shut up," responded Takato, putting the Digi-egg back in his backpack.

"You're not ashamed, are you? I thought you were fantastic. Yo, Taka-"

"Just stare at your claws, Guilmon," responded Takato, who grabbed a cloth from the kitchen and began to wipe up the spilled tea which was on the floor already for several minutes. Guilmon, astonishingly enough, stood still and stared silently as his claws. Slowly, he allowed one to fall on his side and stared in amazement at the other one.

"Wow...it's _huge!_" shouted Guilmon in excitement.

"That's what _she_ said," responded Terriermon.

There was a brief moment of silence when both Terriermon and Guilmon exploded into laughter. Guilmon was laughing so hard that he had to drop on his knees, and Terriermon fell off the sofa due to his extreme laughter.

"I hate you both so much, right now," muttered Takato, picking up the tea cup which was still in one piece.

* * *

"It's amazing," said Henry on his cell phone to Takato. "I used so much Febreeze on the couch and I couldn't even get it out. Mom and dad are furious. I want to kill Terriermon." 

"Terriermon said that Suzie got the stuff, didn't he?" asked Takato.

"It's impossible; she's been out of town the past week."

"How do you know she hasn't had it hiding in her room for the longest time. Terriermon obviously had gotten it from somewhere."

"No, Takato, you don't get it. Guilmon got it, and gave it to Terriermon. It's the only thing that makes sense."

"How does Guilmon have the resources to get pot?" asked Takato. "He has no money and doesn't have any social skills or 'street cred'."

Takato looked around and noticed Guilmon was on a street corner, talking to a prostitute.

"Cleveland steamer?" asked Guilmon. "That sounds pretty hot."

"I'll call you back." Takato angrily hung up, approached Guilmon and grabbed his arm, pulling him along.

"Man, Takato, why are you always killing my buzz?"

"You really don't understand the kind of trouble you're getting into."

"Discipline me, Takato," responded Guilmon.

"What?" asked Takato, releasing his grip and stared into Guilmon.

"If I've been naughty, then spank me. Spank me like the dominatrix did to that man on the HBO special that was on last night," said Guilmon.

"Guilmon...if I had a gun, I would pistol whip the living crap out of you right now," said Takato.

"Ah, but that is animal cruelty, is it not?" asked Guilmon.

"Oh...the _things_ I could hit you with..."

"Takato, you coy dog," said Guilmon.

Takato blushed a dark red, then shouted angrily, "_SHUT UP!_ That's not even funny!"

"Trouble at home?" asked a tall man wearing a dark suit, a blue tie, large sunglasses with long, thinblack hair waving in the wind.

"Who are you?" asked Takato. "Mind your own business."

"Oh, I believe this is my business, Takato Matsuki," responded the man, showing a badge. "Your recent record of abuse is apparent. This child is being taken into a foster home."

Takato stared back and forth between Guilmon and the agent for a few moments before responding, "Surely, you're joking."

"Oh, I'm serious," responded the agent, putting away his badge. "And don't call me 'Shirley'."

Guilmon spat. "Come on! That's not even your joke!"

"Yeah, I know," responded the agent, ashamed of himself.

"What is it with you two? Early Madonna music? Airplane jokes? Is this the 1980s?" asked Takato.

"I wish it was. I could have seen Poison live in concert," said the agent.

"Me, too! _I...LOVE...POISON!_" replied Guilmon.

"Shut up," said Takato.

"Regardless, you understand my situation. Surrender him to me, now," said the agent.

"No," said Takato.

"I give up," said the agent, then pulled out a communicator and said, "unleash the huge monster."

Suddenly, SabreLeomon appeared behind the agent, and growled loudly. He began knocking over buildings, uprootings trees and causing other sorts of havoc for no reason at all. People abandoned their cars and ran away screaming along with other pedestrians.

"What the...?" asked Takato. "You're going to have us killed?"

"Yup."

"This plot blows," responded Guilmon.

"Takato, we can beat him if we Bio-merge!" shouted Guilmon.

"No," said Takato, pulling out his D-Power and a few cards. "The fangirls would love that sequence far too much, with me being older and all."

Takato swiped a card across his D-Power, shouting, "Digi-Modify! Digivolution activate!"

The D-Power and cards had gone unused for a while, and without the aid of Calumon to create a successful Digivolution, something peculiar occured. Guilmon's figure changed all right, but to a form of a human. A businessman, to be precise.

"Guilmon digivolve to...Ted Turner?!"

"Who's Ted Turner?" asked the agent.

"I don't know," replied Takato.

"This is awesome! With millions of dollars at my disposal, SabreLeomon, your ass is grass and I'm going to smoke it!" shouted Ted Turner(mon?), pointing at his opponent.

"Just...kill it already," said Takato.

"Right. **Lawyer Barrage!**" shouted Ted Turner as countless other business men swarmed SabreLeomon with restraining order threats, sexual harassment threats, suing threats, stock market options, disclaimer details, and fashion consultation.

SabreLeomon found himself outnumbered, and barely held off the attack, eventually crushing all of the lawyers. But the threat of legal action damaged his mind mentally, and was severely weakened.

"Takato, it's not enough. I need more power!"

Takato swiped another Digivolution card, and Matrix Digivolution began. Once again, the digivolution occured, but was still in another form of a man.

"Ted Turner digivolve to...Seth MacFarlane?!"

"What is with all of these American references?! From a _Canadian_ author!" shouted the agent.

"Hoser," responded Takato.

"Seth MacFarlane? _Seth MacFarlane?!_" shouted...Seth MacFarlane(mon). "How is Seth MacFarlane an upgrade from Ted Turner? I had money, I had lawyers!"

"_Ohmigosh look!_ It's Seth MacFarlane!" shouted a Japanese fangirl from the distance. Suddenly, crowds upon crowds of girls and women combined started to create a large crowd around the battle scene.

"That ugly monster's trying to hurt Seth! Fangirls...**Memorabilia Attack!**"

The swarm of fangirls began throwing everything in their possession. DVDs, framed photographs, posters, yaoi fan fiction, their undergarments, perfume, and the rare shuriken was tossed at the SabreLeomon. It couldn't take the barrage and dissipated into data particles. The battle was over.

"Amazing," said the agent.

"OMG, girls, look!" shouted one of the fangirls. "Seth is here with _Takato_!"

"ROFL, I feel an AWESOME fan fiction idea coming! XD!" responded one.

"Oh, Em, Gee? Roffle? Ex-dee-exclamation mark? What?" asked Takato.

"He spoke! **_GET SOME OF HIS HAIR!_**" shouted another fangirl. The swarm began to close in on both Seth MacFarlane and Takato.

"Sweet fuck," responded Seth.

"_RUN!_" shouted Takato.

They ran for their lives. They were more fearful of what the fangirls would do to them than what the SabreLeomon would have done.

Oh, those crazy teens. Run on, you two. Run on.

"_HELP US!_" shouted Takato.

Sorry. I'm only the narrator. I can't do anything for you.

* * *

Takato and Guilmon are sitting in relaxed, studio chairs, prepared to speak to the audience. 

"Hi. I'm Takato," said Takato, waving.

"I'm Guilmon," added Guilmon, also waving.

"We had a lot of fun, tonight. Especially this one."

"Good weed, man. Good weed."

"I'm sure it was. Now, some of you may have been disturbed by what you have read, and that is perfectly normal. But this was a very important tale of 'what if' that needed to be told. Isn't that right, Guilmon?"

"No, Takato, I'm going to have to disagree. I think the author completely killed the series with this type of story. Fangirls are going to want his head along with your hair."

"Well, the topic is debatable. You can call our radio show after hours to leave your input on this episode."

Takato suddenly noticed that his arms and legs were now chained to his chair.

"What the...?"

"Now, if you'll excuse us, Takato and I have some...quality time to share."

Guilmon began to slowly approach Takato, with the lights fading.

"Guilmon? What is this? Don't tell me...oh geez. _NO! STOP_!"

The lights were back on, as Guilmon was sitting in a chair next to Takato. Across from them was a big-screen TV showing the opening theme of a show.

"_I...LOVE...THIS SHOW!_" said Guilmon.

"Sex and the City?! No, change the channel, please!"

"Channel?" Guilmon laughed heartedly. "I've got _all_ the seasons on DVD. We are going to watch _every single episode_!"

"You bitch..." scowled Takato.

"Shh...Takato...the more you squirm, the worse it gets."

So they watched hours upon hours upon hours upon hours of Sex and the City. Takato required psychiatric help for the following four months after the viewing. Guilmon is currently in Tokyo, who often consumes each Digi-egg he comes across.

THE END...sort of!


	2. The Author Decided to Write a Sequel

**Digimon Tamers**  
_Blasted Teenagers  
_CHAPTER 2: The Author Decided to Write a Sequel

(I'm so very sorry. Seriously.)

The night was long and quiet. Most families had already gone to bed for the night. However, one house still had its lights on in the neighbourhood, even past the midnight hour. The light to his bedroom shining as brightly as the light from the monitor on his laptop, the author sits, typing away at a new chapter to the abomination he had already written a few months prior.

Suddenly, the ground begins to rumble, and the front door of the main room begins to shake from fists and feet pounding against it. They had come for him. The author swiftly slammed the lid to his laptop, carried it comfortably under his arm, and ran for the bedroom window as a quick escape route. But they had already dashed up the flight of stairs to greet him. He was cornered.

"He's even more disgusting than what we've heard of him," said one of the group of females with sexy, long blond hair, fully equipped with armour that would normally be seen on a S.W.A.T. team member.

"This catch had better be a good one. I'm getting tired," said the lone male, pushing past the female agent to take a good look at the author. "It ends now. Surrender yourself and no one gets hurt."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that," quipped the author with a smug grin across his face.

"What do you mean?" demanded the male agent, a look of concern now evident.

"Girlfriend problems, no? Constant arguing? Would it upset you, Agent Connolly, if I told you that I was the other man?"

"You son of a _bitch!_" shouted the agent, pulling out a small handgun and firing profusely. Right before he fired the first bullet, the author swiftly tossed a smoke pellet onto the ground, releasing a heavy cloud of smoke. The agent quit firing and began coughing along with the rest of the members.

The smoke continued to grow, and was as thick as it ever was. The agents quickly dashed downstairs and outside to escape its thick embrace of...whatever causes coughing. I ought to use a thesaurus. Screw it.

The author had made a clever escape, although it would not last long. The agents would track his location, and instead of boring you with details about an exciting and very expensive car-chase scene through a heavy-trafficked downtown area, we're just going to skip ahead to the part where he's cornered and about to be killed.

Pulling out two AK-47s, the author screams, "_You'll never take me alive! I'll ki--_"

--  
We apologize for the interruption. The following has nothing to do with Digimon, nor is it appropriate for an English version to be aired. Since the networks had decided that such content will never cross the airwaves without extensive editing procedures, Anally Hypocritical Entertainment presents the next chapter of the Digimon story, now suitable for all audiences. Except maybe Grandma. She doesn't even speak English, but if she did she wouldn't understand a thing anyway. Whatever, enjoy.  
--

In a brightly-coloured set sat Guilmon and Terriermon, drinking tea on ridiculously-shaped stools and an even more bizarrely-shaped table. They were trying desperately to force smiles and act as enthusiastically as possible.

"More tea, Guilmon?" offered Terriermon.

"Why thank you, Terriermon," said Guilmon with a phony smile on his face. "I hope you spiked it like I requested because I forgot to stop by the dealer's on the way here."

An anal director sitting behind the set cleared his throat loudly in disapproval.

"Oh, you, saying things that the children won't understand. Make sure to be careful so we both don't get fired, _OKAY?!_" replied Terriermon, adding more 'tea' into Guilmon's empty teacup.

"And that reminds me!" said Guilmon, pulling out a large laminated 'A' to show to the camera. "It's time to go through our alphabet! 'A'. Hmm. What's a good word or phrase for 'A'? I'm thinking, 'Absolute control by network television representatives who are afraid of displaying original content without excessive Ebonics and poor localizations'."

The director cleared his throat loudly once again.

"No. Of course not. That's not suitable at all. 'A' is for 'Awesome'. Awesome like this tea. I'd kill my agent if I wasn't already sleeping with his wife..." muttered Guilmon, who proceeded to slurp his tea loudly.

"'A' could even stand for 'Ab-libbing that sucks'," added Terriermon.

"Let's move on. Ah, the letter 'G'. Hmm...how about 'Gay marriage'? Because this causes more interest with the American public than aiding flooded victims in New Orleans."

"Nice one, Kanye," muttered Terriermon, burying his face in his ears in shame.

"Now, since the original segment of the show was to have Renamon do her turn on the catwalk with a bunch of sleazy and sexy outfits..."

"No, it wasn't--"

"She instead is going to give political commentary about how women can be exactly like men in everything. Except in actuality they don't have to do a thing, and therefore be as absolutely useless as they were before. So, there you have it, feminism has officially failed," said Guilmon, tossing his teacup.

"Please tell me this isn't my first and only line of the episode," said Renamon in disappointment. "I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say."

"Hey, no sexy outfit, no segment."

"I've never worn a piece of clothing in my life!" shouted Renamon. "Neither have either of you!"

**_CENSOR ALERT!_**

Digimon has been officially suspended from the airwaves when it has been reported that all Digimon characters on the set had been displayed completely nude. They will not return to work unless they put on a piece of clothing.

"I'm wearing this," said Guilmon in the dressing room, stretching a leopard-spotted thong in his claws. It would have been interesting to see him try it on, considering his tail is far wider than the design of the material. It'd tear. How horrifyingly disgusting and hilarious. Sucker.

"That's what I wore when I did _your mom_ last night!" said Terriermon.

"You're dead!" replied Guilmon who tackled Terriermon violently to the tiled floor.

"We don't have any parents, you idiots..." moaned Renamon in frustration, sporting a new tank top and jeans. Then the author ran out of ideas and decided to change the scene.

* * *

"Takato...I had a crazy dream," said Guilmon. "I dreamt that I was part of a new show, and they made us put clothes on." 

"Guilmon," groaned Takato in his bed, "I don't know who let you in, but I'm too tired to care right now. Just lie down on the floor and shut up."

"Fine," replied Guilmon, making himself comfortable on his bedroom floor. "By the way, your mom's martinis suck."

"I'll kill you if you don't shut up and go to sleep..."

_CUE UNINTELLIGIBLE YET CATCHY TITLE THEME!_

Want to be the biggest dreamer  
Since I pretty much suck at everything else  
Therefore I'll sing, and I'll say  
Things that make no sense...

I'll smash my guitar against the windshield  
And then the cops will chase me for days  
My head is like a spinning vortex of mist  
"What on earth have I been smoking?"

They slide into me, knocking me down  
Hand-cuff me and take me downtown  
It's my third charge this week  
Since I really had to buy that crack  
Take the chance and try to snort it in class  
Wow, why am I so dumb?

Big and bigger, biggest dreamer  
Now I think that I am drunk  
Which is strange considering I haven't had a drink all day  
It must have been those mushrooms  
That I ate along the way  
So therefore I, really must be  
Really really fucked

Want to be the biggest dreamer  
This was such a waste of time  
'Cause now I'm stoned, and I'm drunk  
Not to mention dumb

_END THEME SONG!_

_This episode of Digimon was brought to you by our new line of condoms. Digivolve into higher sexual pleasure, now latex-free!_

Sitting in a large meeting room at the end of a very long table was Rika, with her agent, Ted Turner net to her. The two had just watched video footage of everything that was written above. Next to the TV were two agents, one a short, balding man, the other a tall, hideously unattractive woman who wore as much perfume as humanely possible. They were each waiting for a response.

"So..." started Rika, "let me get this straight. After a...six year layoff, you want to bring back up the same characters from a pre-existing season and have all of the characters be entirely out of their pre-designed character doing stupid things on camera?"

"That's right," responded the female agent.

"Uh-huh. Why do you think this will sell?" asked Rika.

"Because the public enjoys watching crap and nothing that that involves the slightest amount of insight or thinking," replied the short, bald agent.

"Fine, whatever, when do we start filming?"

"Next week."

"I'll be there."

With that, Rika and her agent, Ted Turner, left the meeting room. The two agents smirked evilly at one another, undoubtedly planning something quite evil.

"She fell for our trap perfectly," said the ugly agent. "Now that she is signed, we just have to get the others to the show as well. Then we can start our...**DINNER PARTY ARRANGEMENTS**!" Bursts of maniacal laughter could be heard throughout the meeting room.

"Yeah, fine, plan whatever, just stop bathing in that perfume," replied the bald agent, who walked across the room to the exit.

"When they will be hoping for caviar and chocolate éclairs...there will be none! Oh, how delightfully _evil_!"

Yeah, whatever bitch. Time for fan-mail.

Non-existent fan #1 writes,

_"Dear, Matt;_

_Why don't you ever do cross-overs with Digimon and some other kind of show? Since you're such a talented author [sic, why not do a story with Dragon Ball Z?"_

Well, NEF1, cross-overs are typically out there for authors who have no imagination whatsoever. They typically try to control over a dozen main characters at once, making any hope of consistent writing as non-existent as you are. That said, let's take a look at my new cross-over, "_**Digi-Ball Zeta!**_"

* * *

Guilmon stood before Vegeta, bruised from the recent battle. But he still had enough energy to fight. Across a barren plain which could be found pretty much anywhere just outside a metropolitan city, Vegeta was also severely weakened, but could keep fighting as well. 

"Ha! You think you can take on me, a mighty Super Saiyan warrior?" said Vegeta.

"For the love of Pete, you've been taunting me with that same line over the past eighteen episodes. Say something different!" shouted Guilmon. "You _will_ tell me the location of the mystical Dragon's Balls so I can make my wish come true at long last!"

Somewhere, way off-set atop the world's highest mountain, sat a humongous and paranoid serpent-like dragon, tears in his eyes.

"**_WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO MOLEST ME?!_**" he would scream.

* * *

Just a mess, NEF1. An utter mess. About twice as long as the TV series, too! Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time. Well, actually, I haven't really decided whether or not there will be a next time, considering the fact that I'm on every insane fangirl's most wanted list. Good night, everyone! 

_CUE OVER-EMOTIONAL ENDING THEME!_  
How could this happen to me...

_No! NO! No emo crap! None! Play something else!_

Because of you  
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk

_Stop the music! Enough! Screw it. No ending theme!_

THE END...AGAIN!

(Author's note: Yeah, so I happen to like Kelly Clarkson. Shut up.)_  
_


	3. Everything's a Trilogy

**Digimon Tamers**  
_Blasted Teenagers  
_CHAPTER 3: Everything's a Trilogy. Well, every good epic is a trilogy anyway. I don't understand what's so epic about this story, but here it is, the third part. What a long chapter title...

Once upon a time, the very first Digimon was created. Inspiring. Since it was done in the 80's, it looked like crap. But I think it's safe to say that considering what happened in the 80s, everything was done on an acid trip. Looking back, it is an acid trip. Look at the way people dressed! The music they listened to! Look at how quickly everybody turned away from it as soon as the 90's came rolling around. It's like some form of genocide was committed considering how we remember the 80's.

Anyway, yes...this is a really poor synopsis of Digimon Tamers, but I'll continue. And I'll disregard the fact that three chapters in is a stupid time to remind people what already went down. So...after the Digimon project was canceled, it was never completely gone for good. For, you see, some dedicated nerd decided that it would be awesome to do everything possible to give these creatures life in their own world.

That's when crazy shit went down. Years later, Digimon started entering the real world, tearing everything up. Then they got smoked. Then the tamers, who had their own Digimon, entered the Digital World (no, not Best Buy, you nerds. Go play Dungeons and Dragons or something. Beat it!) and more shit went down.

That's when we learned about the nasty D-Reaper. The life form that absorbed all negative emotions (it feasts on emo kids) and expanded into a giant purple blob of death and destruction (kind of like Oprah. Sha-_zam_!). Then it got as you say '_pwn3dz0rz_' and everything was right again.

Then this story came along, and everybody is ruing the day that I was ever permitted to see the show. For you see, the ironic twist is that the end of humanity was not to be at the hands of the D-Reaper...but at **AT MY OWN**!

But, until I go on a killing spree of everyone's favourite characters, there are still some stories that have yet to be told. Like Rika's!

Rika and Ryo have been pretty serious in recent weeks. Quite serious. As a matter of fact, they went to the movie theatre to see a funny flick, and neither of them laughed once. That's how tight their asses have been. Well, not literally, I don't know exactly _how_ tight their asses are physically; I was just using that as a figure of speech. Actually, Guilmon, go and feel their asses for me.

"_Hey!_" shouted Rika.

"Sweet pickled penises, that stings!" said Ryo. That's a new one, folks. Try picturing that one in your head for about a minute before reading the next paragraph. Traumatized yet?

"Their butts are soft," said Guilmon, remaining on topic. "Hey, what movie is this?"

People in the theater were getting restless, and they started to politely glare (if that's possible) at the two tamers and Guilmon. Notice how people are unfazed at Digimon appearing anywhere these days. So, Guilmon took a seat.

"The latest movie with Adam Sandler," said Ryo. "I don't get it, Rika, none of his other films were funny...or any good at all. Why did you think the one would be?"

"I don't know," said Rika. "I heard good things about it."

"Shut up!" said Guilmon. "You just missed the funniest part!'

"What, did Adam Sandler finally shut up?" muttered Rika. _Burn!_ Unfortunately, they kept bickering, and were ushered out of the movie theatre. Guilmon made certain that he had popcorn in his hands before they were sent out.

"Even this popcorn is disgusting!" said Ryo. "It tastes like ass."

"Yeah, I was sitting on it. Sorry," said Guilmon. Ryo promptly spat out any pieces of popcorn that were in his mouth, and tossed the remainder on the sidewalk.

"Don't litter, Ryo. Here," said Rika, picking up the bag and putting it in a trash bin a few meters ahead. "So, the movie was a bust. What should we do now?"

"I'd like to get some coffee, if any place is still open," offered Ryo, checking his watch. "It's only after nine. Interested?"

"I'm having withdrawal right now. I so totally need coffee," added Guilmon.

"Guilmon, go home. We're on a date," said Rika. "Or at least go to my place and keep Renamon company."

"Well..." started Guilmon. "I did promise her I'd watch her try on some outfits."

With that, Guilmon dashed off in one direction (right in front of traffic, too. Idiot), while Rika and Ryo went off in another direction.

It was a lousy night. It was windy, cold, and cloudy. That's all I have to say about the weather.

Guilmon finally arrived in the backyard of Rika's home. It was a well-tended garden, as good as it always was. Renamon was right next to a fountain, meditating. Guilmon moved up and nudged her. She was not terribly impressed.

"Guilmon, I almost reached enlightenment," moaned Renamon, in disappointment.

"You should have. Well, at least when I came in. Enlightenment follows me everywhere," said Guilmon.

"No, disaster follows you everywhere," laughed Renamon.

"Beauty is a sin, I guess," added Guilmon. "Wanna hang out?"

"Do I have a choice?" asked Renamon.

"I brought your favourite Bjork album," tempted Guilmon in a sing-song voice, waving a CD case in front of Renamon's face.

Her expression turned sour. "I hate Bjork."

"Yeah, I hate her, too, actually," said Guilmon, throwing the CD behind his head. "I don't even know why I mutilated that old lady to get it from her grasp."

"How manly of you!" shouted Marcus, from the upcoming fifth season, who suddenly appeared next to Guilmon and Renamon, looking very proud of himself.

Renamon smacked her forehead in embarrassment, and Guilmon was fuming.

"Buddy, what's the deal?!" shouted Guilmon.

"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Marcus.

"You're in the wrong studio...again!" said Guilmon. "Idiot! What's the matter with you?!"

"Oh...geez...yeah, you're right. Sorry!" said Marcus, before running off the set. A few moments passed before he dashed on the set and picked up the Bjork CD that was on the ground. "My sister would love this CD." He then ran off again.

"Loser," muttered Guilmon. "Read the map that's posted in front of the hallway. Seriously!"

"I don't know, it's still pretty confusing," added Renamon. "Remember when you took a wrong turn, and thought that the ladies' room was studio six? You thought that you were hired for some cheap porno."

"Yeah," laughed Guilmon. "I thought that my tail was going to used as a tentacle prop. Imagine having _that_ on your resume."

Scarring. Let's change the scene. In a cafe close to the suburbs (I guess. I don't know anything about where anything is in Tokyo, let alone any other city outside of my own here on the other side of the world) sat Rika and Ryo, each with a hot beverage of sorts in front of them. It was a quiet night, with only a few other customers. One of the servers said goodbye to another, as her shift was done for the night.

Ryo watched the girl light up a cigarette, and hailed down an approaching vehicle. He could see the window roll down and a conversation between the driver and the server took place. After a brief discussion, the passenger's door opened, and the girl walked in. The car then drove off.

"Rough neighbourhood," said Ryo.

"They were just talking," said Rika. "That doesn't mean anything."

"Yeah, like this relationship," muttered Ryo.

"What?!" said Rika, then realizing the volume of her voice. "How dare you?! You and me, in the mud, _now!_"

Conveniently enough, there was a mud-wrestling arena placed in the parking lot of the cafe. Both Ryo and Rika, fully-clothed, entered the ring, and began to wrestle one another. Yeah, that's what you all would have wanted to see, wasn't it? Violently, Guilmon shot his head up, coming under the realization that he was just dreaming. Makes you wonder how many more dream scenes I'm planning on using.

"Oh...I must have dozed off," said Guilmon.

"Must have?!" shouted Renamon, who was still in the garden. "You just collapsed! I thought you had a heart attack, or just dropped dead!"

"Ha! You can't get rid of me that easily!" replied Guilmon. Heaven help us.

Meanwhile, off in the distance, was a frustrated fangirl. That Roofie she slipped him seemed to have minimal effect. She walked off, looking to see if there were any other characters she could torture into her submission. With Takato's room now under heavy security since the previous encounter with fangirls, his house would be that much harder to infiltrate.

She could be described as an average-looking girl. Average height, her brown hair tied back in a ponytail, contact lenses used to bring out the dim colour of her brown eyes, average build. Nothing spectacular about her.

You'd never notice that she was crazy.

She turned a corner into a dark alleyway. Making sure nobody was watching her, she descended further into is dark, dank, smelly depths. She pushed a loose brick on one of the walls, and a hidden doorway was revealed. Gulping, she took in a deep breath and walked through the open space in the wall, which led to only more darkness. The door behind her closed.

Suddenly, the floor began to move...lower. It was taking her underground. Moments later, it stopped, and another door opened. On the other side was a dimly lit chamber, resembling a dining hall. The walls were decorated with polished maple; its carpets red, and its long table possibly of oak. She looked at the leering eyes sitting in chairs at the long table. She promptly saluted.

"Welcome, Chelsea," said a short, portly fangirl with freckles and glasses.

"My name is 'Yuki'! When I am here, you will call me by my fangirl name that was decided by this council!" shouted...Yuki.

"Yes, ma'am. The commander wishes to see you for a progress report," said the pudgy fangirl.

Promptly walking to the other end of the large table stood a door to an office. She knocked, and was allowed to enter. She was offered a seat in an office designed much like the meeting hall, however it was much smaller. Bookcases filled with magazines, manga and bootlegged DVDs surrounded the small space. As Yuki sat down, she noticed a large leather chair with its back facing her.

"Thank you for showing up so promptly, Yuki," said a figure with an intimidating baritone. The chair slowly began to turn, and Yuki's heart began beating heavily. She had never seen the commander before. She was shocked at what she saw. He was a relatively young man, possibly in his earliest year of university. He had short, well-kept black hair, thick eyebrows, devastatingly dark brown eyes, and was dressed in a short black t-shirt with some sort of nerdy slogan on the front. His arms were covered in hair; the man was possibly of Italian descent. He was overweight, and judging by his smell, he hadn't showered in almost a week...yet he took the time to shave everyday.

Yuki was in shock. This was the most gorgeous fanboy she had ever seen.

"Commander Yggdrasil...it is an honour," said Yuki.

"Come now, have you practiced your Japanese as requested, Yuki-chan?" asked Yggdrassil. He just had to pick a name that's a bitch to spell, didn't he? Loser.

"H...hai," stuttered Yuki. She did not know much Japanese, only a few words here and there which she picked up watching subtitled anime. She knew about as much as every other fangirl in her society, and felt the need to flaunt it at every message board she visited often. Little did she realize that she actually looked like a tool in doing such deeds.

"Good," responded Fatty. Yeah, call me an ass, do whatever, at least I can spell that word. "Now...have you arranged a bus so we can attend Otakon this year?"

"Hai, Yggdrasil-sama," responded Yuki.

"Settle down; I'm not quite that far in my '_Ridiculously Basic Japanese for The Intarwebz_' yet," responded Iggy-dress-eel. For the love of piss; I can't win.

"Gomen--er, I mean...sorry," responded Yuki, blushing. "All of us can attend. And I managed to steal my dad's wallet, so we may be able to purchase an external hard drive where we can save all of our downloaded fansubs.

"Excellent," said the overfed, smelly leader. Dude, my fat aunt can haul herself into the bathtub at least once a day, and you're nowhere near the size of her. Just lift one leg over the other and you're in. It's that simple. _Clean yourself!_

"So, can we--" started Yuki, before she was interrupted. A hail of screams came from the previous room. She promptly opened the door to see nothing but a bulky, red lizard-shaped creature, with blood lust in her eyes. "Guilmon...he found us!"

Guilmon pushed Yuki aside, and started to smell the air vigorously. "Where is it?! I could smell a Digimon down here! Where is he hiding?!"

Commander Iggy (there, I'll call him that from now on) stood and trembled in fear. He didn't know what to do. Guilmon smelled the air around him, then approached him, and stuck his nose right on the commander's chest.

"Clever guise," said Guilmon, "but your stench cannot fool me. Now prepare to die!"

"What?! No! I just haven't--"

But it was too late. Guilmon unleashed a frightening battle cry, and the over sized commander was no more. Yuki watched in terror as her commander was torn limb from limb. She was thankful that she had her shower only the day before; for she thought that five days between cleaning herself was a far enough stretch.

Guilmon belched. "Bluch...no meat at all. Mostly fat." He started smelling the air around him and noticed a Madonna CD that he had yet to discover. He almost pissed himself; he thought that he had every single album. His claws trembling, he picked up the CD and looked at the back. Seventeen tracks?! He thought he had died and had been upgraded to be more compatible with a Macintosh operating system.

His life was complete.

Remember everyone: **SHOWER!** Or Guilmon will confuse you for a Digimon, and tear you limb from limb...and steal your Madonna CD. Don't deny it, you all listen to Madonna.

All of you.

Okay, maybe just me. Uh...please excuse me, I need to go shower.

* * *

Fortunately for us all, the author was caught by Guilmon just moments before entering the shower for the first time in three weeks. Guilmon could smell his stench from the other side of the world. His death was long and painful. But he did not have a Madonna CD.

Not a single one.

Okay, he did, but I took it. Remember me? I was the narrator who was fired in the first chapter. Now the author's dead, I have my job back, and Madonna is in my possession. I have a girlfriend. Stop acting like I'm crazy. I really should have burned down his house, though.

What does he expect me to do? There's nowhere left for this story to go. Screw this, I quit. Come on, Madonna, time to practice for karaoke, and dazzle all the girls with my amazing singing talents. Ooh, what's this? '_Ridiculously Basic Japanese for The Intarwebz_'? Sick! Now I'll be able to dazzle fangirls across every forum with my elitist knowledge of a few simple words of a language in an attempt to look cultured! Dang, I'm as smart as I am pretty!

But, uh, I have a girlfriend, so, uh...don't try to hit on me or anything, because she's really jealous about that kind of stuff. Yeah.

My mom says I'm handsome. Do you--

**_THE END!_**  
(For real, this time.)


	4. The Movie

It was a long day at school for Takato. He didn't do as well as he was hoping for on his quizzes for his classes, and received a good talking-to from both his parents on how much better he should have done, how much more he should have studied, you know, the generic parental scolding. I wish my parents had given me that kind of attention. Maybe I wouldn't have been the complete screw-up I am today. Maybe I wouldn't have been that hopeless high school drop-out who has to resort to things I'm not proud of in order to make money. _I SET THE SCHOOL ON FIRE FOR YOUR LOVE, DAD!_

Anyway...

The blasting bass from his stereo seemed louder than usual. Going up the steps into his bedroom, he noticed the door was closed. He twisted the doorknob and pushed. It resisted. He pushed harder and the door opened slightly. What was blocking him? Finally, he shoved as hard as he could, and the door swung open, which was followed by a loud thud from toppling boxes. The hardcore heavy metal blaring through the bedroom was coming not from his own stereo, but a new, massive surround-sound system, with a sub woofer as big as a bus tire.

"Dude! Takato!" shouted a familiar voice.

Takato was in shock. There were piles upon piles of dirty magazines, dozens of types of alcohol, crates of cigars, and sealed boxes written with large labels of 'MADONNA' across them spread all around his room. The boxes he knocked over were full of potpourri.

"Guilmon!" shouted Takato, slamming the door behind him. "What the--_what did you do_?!"

"Perks, Takatomon!" shouted Guilmon, pulling out a lit cigar from his mouth and blowing the smoke rudely into Takato's face.

Takato gave a cold, blank stare into Guilmon's face, and wasn't fazed by the blast of cigar smoke that was blown in his direction. He face was slowly turning red.

"You stole these, didn't you?" asked Takato, lowering the tone of his voice to keep from startling his parents.

"Of course not! Well...okay, the issues of '_Yes, They're Fake, Just Shut Up and Stare At 'Em_' I snatched when I went to the convenient store earlier--"

"Take them back, now!"

"What?!" shouted Guilmon. "I can't! There were no witnesses left alive. So...since there's no living person to return them to, they're legally mine. So there."

"When my parents see this, they're going to freak..." stuttered Takato, who was beginning to hyperventilate. He didn't seem to hear Guilmon's comment. "They'll kill me...they'll disown me!"

"Whiskey's over there if you're going to panic," added Guilmon in a nonchalant tone, turning a page in a magazine entitled '_Celebrities You're Going to Regret Seeing Naked_'. "Aw, come on Britney, you know you're not attractive anymore..."

"So, wait...if you only stole those magazines in the corner, where did the rest of this stuff come from?" asked Takato.

"Ugh, don't you listen to me? _Perks_!" Guilmon then screamed. "Orlando Bloom, you _beast_! You are _way_ too pretty to be in this magazine. Crap, I think I just came--nope, that was my Irish Cream. Sorry, Takato, it's all over your sheets; you'll have to change them."

"Perks...? Did you sell us out?" asked Takato, looking at the several varieties of liquor.

"Part of the contract, dude."

"Then...that means...oh no. _No! For all that is holy_--"

Cue Adrenaline-pumping orchestral score!

**BLASTED TEENAGERS****  
****THE MOVIE!**

Takato dropped to his knees in disbelief. "Why...? _Why?! Why do they keep doing these horrible things?!_"

"Hey, Takato, there's a picture of your mom in here..."

* * *

"Rika...I'm sensing something unpleasant," said Renamon in the shadows of Rika's bedroom.

"What, Renamon?" asked Rika.

"I don't know...but it's moving fast and seems to be coming here," added Renamon. "Let's go."

In dramatic fashion, Rika grabbed her digivice, a stack of cards, and her jacket. She dashed out of her room and hopped on her bike. Pedaling as fast as she could, she tried to follow Renamon's exact movements. Before she knew it, there they were. Thousands of them. Er, no, wait...these glasses suck. About a dozen of them. _Fanboys_.

"How did they find us?!" shouted Rika.

"Keep pedaling, Rika!"

"They're everywhere!"

Rika slammed on the brakes, narrowly avoiding a collision at an intersection. She quickly turned and pedaled down a closed road intentionally, to draw the fanboys near her. Taking a good look at one, their faces were pale, their eyes bloodshot, their hairstyles bizarre. These were not local fanboys.

Renamon landed gracefully in front of Rika, and was prepared to strike. The fanboys dragged their feet as they walked, their jaws dropped and moaned a terrible noise.

"That sound!" shouted Rika, covering her ears. "Stop them, please!"

Renamon, in a demonstration of agility and finesse, sidestepped a charging fanboy and launched herself high in the air. Drawing her arms and legs into her chest, she grinned, shouting, "Diamond Storm!" She extended her arms and legs from her torso, and a barrage of small, energy shards were launched at the dozen groups of Fanboys.

They shouted and groaned in pain on contact, and for a moment, it seemed that the attack had no effect. But suddenly, almost without a warning, they all exploded, one after another, with their limbs flying in all directions. Rika dropped to her knees and shielded her head, while Renamon lowered herself and defended her partner from the barrage of arms, legs, lungs and wallets.

"What...what _was_ that?" asked Rika, pulling herself to her feet. "Those were no ordinary fanboys."

"No," added Renamon. "It was almost as if they were sent to kill you."

Rika and Renamon stared at the barrage of separated body parts in silence, trying to make sense of the scenario. Out of the corner of her eye, Rika noticed Henry running with Terriermon to the closed roadway.

"Rika! Renamon! Are you all right?" asked Henry.

"Late as usual," replied Rika. "Where's goggle-head? He's closer to this area than you are."

"I really don't know," said Henry. "I called his cell phone, and he sounded really, _really_ weird. I think he's drunk."

"What?" asked Renamon.

"He mentioned something about whiskey, dirty magazines, cigars, and--oh my jogress," stuttered Henry.

"Henry?" asked Rika, looking into Henry's face which suddenly turned pale.

"Guys...guys...we're in a _movie_!"

A chorus of gasps and exclamations in shock went around the group of characters.

"B...but it can't be!" shouted Rika, still in denial. "The pace is the same as any other episode!"

"That's how they catch you," added Terriermon. "And what's with all the body parts, anyway? You guys have gotten gruesome with your killings!"

Rika suddenly turned pale. "The fanboys...we've been had!"

"What?" asked Henry.

"It was all a decoy! The Digital World is in serious danger!" added Rika.

"W--what?!" repeated Henry. "Wait a second, we don't even know what's going on, here!"

"It has to be! Think about it, Henry! Why else would we be in a movie right about now?" said Rika. "This was all a ploy to distract us while the Digital World gets destroyed...or conquered...or whatever some idiotic villain tries."

"She's right," said Terriermon.

"What are you talking about?! How is this right?!" shouted Henry.

"Here's what I don't understand," started Renamon. "Through a series of natural progression, there's a revelation of the true enemy with a really complicated plan of action...some that only start showing progress several years after putting the plan through its beginning stage. Then these other villains pop out of seemingly nowhere and do the same amount of damage in a number of minutes."

"Renamon, if you keep thinking like that, you'll be the first one of us to die," commented Terriermon. "Besides, these ones are easier to dispose."

"So," started Rika, in an attempt to change the subject, "Takato's drunk?"

* * *

Back in Takato's room, Guilmon was continuing to have the time of his life with his cigars and magazines, while Takato was lying completely flat on the ground, whiter than a bed sheet.

"I...I can see through time," whispered Takato, his eyes bloodshot.

"Yeah, tequila'll do that," added Guilmon, licking his claw and turning the page. He noticed from the corner of his eye that Takato was pointing upwards, as there was a clock hanging from the ceiling. "That's funny..."

Guilmon put down the magazine, and maintained a grip on his cigar before getting off Takato's bed. What he found bizarre was not the clock, but what was wedged between it and the ceiling. He then let out a piercingly loud scream that would wake the dead. Takato did not react. "_My cookie! It's trapped!_"

Takato lowered his arm, and was motionless on the floor.

"Sweet, sweet, chocolate chip...why?" Guilmon then felt as though a breeze of the obvious passed through his head. "_We're in a movie?!_ I knew this was too good to be true, tempting me with Orlando Bloom! I'm so pissed I could destroy the Digital World!"

There was a ringing coming from Takato's pocket. He did not react. Guilmon reached in and awkwardly tried to pick up the phone. He fiddled with it before finally getting it open, and was connected. "Escort service," he said.

"Huh? Oh, Guilmon! Where's Takato?" asked Henry on the other line.

"Hey, don't call me by that; they could be tracing this call. My street name is _Big Red_," replied Guilmon.

There was a long pause before Henry replied. "Fine. Just grab Takato and meet us at your old hideout. We need to go to the Digital World."

"Sweet! I was just thinking about going there! I'll get us ready." He then awkwardly closed the phone and let it drop on the carpet.

Suddenly, he could hear footsteps coming from the lower floor. The door opened slowly; Takato's mother was standing in the doorway.

"T...oh my heavens! What is all this?!" she shouted, looking at the collection of adult goods. She walked over and started nudging Takato with her foot, trying to stir him. "Explain yourself, young man!"

"They're perks, ma'am," replied Guilmon, taking a puff from his cigar. Angrily, Takato's mother grabbed it from his mouth.

"I don't know what you two have been up to, but you need to get rid of all this now! And--is that a dirty magazine?!"

"Sure is, babe," replied Guilmon, leaning over and grabbing it from Takato's bed.

"GIve it to me," she demanded.

"Oh? I don't know if that's in your best interests." He turned to the page where she was posing nude. Takato's mother was shocked.

"How did you get that?! Give it to me!" she shouted, reaching for the magazine.

Guilmon swiftly held it back from her grasp. "Are you sure? Would Mr. Matsuki like finding out that you've been posing like this?"

The face of Takato's mother turned bright red. "Are you blackmailing me?!"

"If you make any mention to the man about any of this that's in here..." Guilmon waved the magazine in front of him, "...Hooty McBoob will be all his."

"All right," she replied calmly, her face turning back to normal. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, a double-barrel shotgun found itself in her hands, pointed directly at Guilmon. "_GIVE ME THE MAGAZINE!_"

"Mom...we don't have any bullets," said Takato, who was still motionless on the floor.

Cursing loudly, Takato's mother tossed the shotgun into the corner, barely missing the pile of magazines. She then looked sternly at Guilmon, and raised her index finger at him. "This isn't over."

She immediately turned around, slamming the door behind her.

"Dude, your mom's crazy," said Guilmon.

"As soon as I get my hand-eye coordination back, Guilmon, I'm kicking your ass," replied Takato.

"Save it for the Digital World. Henry needs our help."

"No!" shouted Takato, who sat himself up. "I'm not about to be a puppet for this joke of a movie! And--" Takato started smelling the air around him, noticing a sudden change. "Are you lighting a blunt?!"

"Your mom took my cigar away!" replied Guilmon.

"You have boxes of them!"

"Either way I'm losing my buzz. I want to feel good about myself before we go saving the Digital World. I'm self-conscious about my weight. Look at my gut! It's _huge!_"

"You know what, I'm not doing this. Where's that vodka?"

* * *

Henry nervously looked at his watch. He groaned in frustration and tried calling Takato's cell again. There was no answer. He had asked Rika if she remembered the number to his house, and she said that she didn't.

It was getting late. The sun was setting, and the storage cavern in which Guilmon used to sleep was growing darker and much more difficult to see from within.

"Ugh, I don't know what he's doing, but it's probably better that he didn't come with us. Let's just go," said Rika.

"Bad news," said Terriermon, crawling out of a hole that Guilmon had previously dug. "No portal."

"What?" shouted Henry, and took a peek inside. Terriermon was right; there was nothing there. "I don't get it! Why isn't there a portal here?"

"Then that must mean that the Digital World was already destroyed," replied Renamon. "Since we don't count as data in the real world, there's no affect on us."

"Or there's a serious lack of a budget for this movie," replied Henry. "Some big executive-type person must have spent the funds on something else."

"So...what does that mean, then?" asked Rika. "Are we actually in a movie?"

"Ugh, I hate these scenes where we just stand around and speculate about nothing. I say we digivolve, knock over every building in town until we find what we want," harped Terriermon.

"That doesn't sound completely stupid," added Rika. "The villains for this show will stay inside Japan, and even more conveniently, inside this city."

"How do you figure that?" asked Henry.

"They're gluttons for punishment...or they have a sense of pride too strong that they want to secure this area before securing other areas that have no tamers at all," said Rika.

"Makes sense to me," said Terriermon.

"No, it doesn't!" shouted Henry. "Those zombie-fanboys that attacked you could have been some weird fluke."

"Or a horrible crossover with Resident Evil," Renamon added.

"Wait a second, I've found something," said Terriermon, picking up what appeared to be a microchip.

Everyone crowded around Terriermon, looking to see what it was.

"What's that writing on the side of it?" asked Henry. "It looks like...'Spin-off Zombie Device'. Is that right?"

"How did this get here?" asked Rika. "That looks like something that could have been on the fanboys, but...I don't remember them being bugged or anything."

"Not much of them was left when they exploded, so for all we know, they were controlled with something like this," added Renamon. "This means a few things: They came out of this portal, and that whomever the microchip was controlling had managed to pry it off."

"There's an address on the back," replied Henry. "Downtown Tokyo. Well, that narrows everything down."

"So how do we--"

Before Terriermon could finish his sentence, the scene suddenly changes rapidly, and the two tamers and their Digimon are found just outside a large building which appears to be in the middle of nowhere. Rika pointed at a large sign, which was glowing, 'DOWNTOWN TOKYO'.

"What?" said Henry. "Are we in a desert?!"

"In Japan?!" shouted Terriermon.

"I'm more surprised that the sign is in English," added Renamon.

"I...guess we have to go inside," said Henry, hesitant.

* * *

A passed out Takato was surrounded by empty liquor bottles as Guilmon was going through his first unopened box filled with Madonna memorabilia. He took out a small poster and looked so shocked at what he saw. It was _autographed_ and it was _to him_. Guilmon dropped his blunt and began to shudder in extreme excitement.

"My lady! One day, we will be together!"

"Yes, my sweet, one day," replied a strangely husky voice from the poster. Guilmon's intoxication was so strong that he thought that the shot of Madonna was talking to him. "We will have a dozen kids."

"No way! _I...love...kids!_"

"Guilmon, who are you talking to?" mumbled a wasted Takato, slowly regaining consciousness.

"Who do you think, Gary?! My lady in waiting wants me to meet with her!"

"What did you just call me?" said Takato sternly, pulling himself to his feet. "Are those fightin' words?!"

"Whoa, dude, settle down. Put down that Canadian rye and that that dead ostrich," said Guilmon, as the room around him seemed to spin heavily.

"I...ain't holdin' anything...'xcept yer _virginity_!" shouted Takato, who was struggling to stand up.

Guilmon gasped in shock. "You give that back! Get your own!"

"I'll kill you an' yer whole family! And your boyfriend, Orlando Bloom!"

"Who told you about us?! Madonna, how could you?!"

Takato and Guilmon were too busy exchanging words that they didn't even notice Takato's mother walking into the bedroom. She took one sniff of the air and coughed. The blend of cigar and marijuana smoke was too strong for her, but she progressed into the room.

"Okay, Guilmon, I know that I may have been a little harsh on you," started Takato's mother, holding up a dish. "I would just like to offer you a peace offering."

"Oh?" said Guilmon, who without realizing his own strengh shoved Takato violently into the pile of stolen magazines. He approached Takato's mother and added, "Go on..."

"Well...since I know you liked baked goods, I thought I'd whip you up a little something. See?"

On the platter was an extremely large chocolate chip cookie. Guilmon's mouth started to water and his hands began to tremble so badly he dropped his autographed poster of Madonna. "Cookie..."

"No, no, no," added Takato's mother, holding Guilmon at bay with her free hand. "This can only be yours if you hand over that magazine you're hiding."

"_Deal!_" shouted Guilmon who dashed to the bed and tossed the magazine into the face of Takato's mother. She shouted and nearly dropped the cookie in the process.

"Here you go, and please open a window. I don't want that smell to linger to the bakery downstairs," added Takato's mother, who handed over the large cookie to Guilmon before leaving Takato's room, closing the door behind her.

"Dude..." said Takato who was trying to keep his chuckle from growing into a loud laughter. "My mom totally _punked_ you."

"So...big...so...beautiful..." stammered Guilmon, who didn't seem to be paying attention to Takato.

"That's what--"

"If you say, 'That's what she said,' one more time, I will eat you!"

"You are _so_ high," said Takato, who finally started to pull himself up from the pile of magazines. "I don't even remember why I was so pissed."

"I...I'm too afraid to eat this. It will destroy its natural beauty. But, if I must..." Guilmon without further thought took as big of a bite as he could from his cookie. As he was chewing, he was moaning and groaning in delight. As he swallowed, he shuddered. "I think I need a cigarette."

"You have cigars."

"_I know!_ You keep telling me this; I know I have freakin' cigars, Takato! Ju--_SO GOOD!_" Guilmon took another bite of the large cookie, as a little more than half of it was left.

* * *

We return to the remaining tamers...who've seemed to have kicked some serious ass while we changed scenes. Several officers and fanboys had collapsed, and loose body parts of exploded fanboys were scattered all over the large blue carpet of what appeared to be a big office surrounded by nothing but windows and a large desk at the end of the room.

"Not bad," said a familiar face, as Impmon pulled himself on top of the desk. "I beat ya here to the punch, though. Here's yer culprit."

He picked up a collapsed man in a suit from behind the desk and tossed him over so the other tamers could get a good look at it. Everyone looked confused and surprised, somewhat. It was none other than Jeff Nimoy.

"W...what is this? What's going on?" asked Nimoy.

"How could you do such a thing?!" shouted Terriermon.

"I...I don't know what you're talking about. I just transferred here from another country! You have to believe me. Please!" pleaded Nimoy.

"Impmon, are you sure that this is the one?" asked Renamon.

"It's possible that he's been framed," added Henry.

"But the fanboys have all stopped. We completely shut down the operation, and this was the only man left standing. How can this not be right?" asked Rika.

"I hate movies...so much," said Henry.

There was much confusion going around, when Jeff Nimoy pulled himself up. A sly grin grew across his face and his eyes began to glow red. "Gotcha."

In an explosion of wind, light and some other funky and bad-ass special effects, the man in front of the tamers had transformed. It was really the wicked Myotismon in disguise.

"Fools!" shouted Myotismon. "Did you really think that Jeff Nimoy would be part something so elaborate and awesome?!"

"No," responded the group in unison.

"Oh...well, prepare to die!"

Then unfolded possibly the most expensive scene in fan fiction movie history. The writer was forced to get out of his seat, walk downstairs into the kitchen, grab a drink, then return to write the battle scene...but he took too long, and the best lines of dialogue, the best attacks and the coolest explosions took place. Nobody noticed.

Myotismon cursed the group of Digimon before dissipating in to data particles. The tamers and the three Digimon who did not need to digivolve to win stood and watched the data fade away.

"He was outnumbered; serves 'im right!" shouted Impmon, who used a curtain rod as his weapon.

"No thanks to Takato and Guilmon," added Henry bitterly.

"So what was the point of all this?" asked Rika. "We ran around like idiots to this building that turns people into mindless fanboys, and we never even found out why this operation even started."

"Do we even know which one escaped?" asked Henry.

"Yeah, it was--" started Impmon before being interrupted.

"No," replied Renamon.

"_Who wants a dinner party?!_" screamed the hideously ugly agent from a previous chapter. She began to cackle maniacally.

"Could somebody kill her, please?" asked Rika.

"Yeah, sure," replied Impmon, who tossed the curtain rod at an alarming speed towards the hideously unattractive woman (in more ways than one). It struck her so hard that she flew back into one of the windows and fell through it, screaming. Less than a second passed before they could hear her hit the ground.

"We're on the second floor. That's not going to kill her," said Terriermon.

"Whatever, she's gone. Let's get out of here," added Henry

"Wait a second," said Rika. "Since we found the microchip near the portal to the Digital World, how do we know that there aren't any more operations running from within it?"

"Like I was trying to say before I was rudely interrupted, they tried to capture me first," replied Impmon. "They cornered me in Guilmon's hideout, but I'm sure that they didn't come from the Digital World. As you can tell, I escaped, and came here to beat the snot out of these fools."

"So is that it? Are we done here? Can we leave? I'm hungry," harped Terriermon.

"Yeah...I guess we do," replied Henry.

* * *

Slowly the scene faded to black with an orchestral number playing in the background.

The next morning, Takato woke up with the worst feeling in the world. He was surrounded with the smell of marijuana, cigars, perfume samples from magazines, and the few times he vomited on himself from his drinking. He moaned and groaned as he pulled himself up, his head pounding like a jackhammer. He looked over at Guilmon, who had fallen asleep with a magazine trapped on his head.

He slowly walked up to the window and opened it. Fresh air at last. He felt slightly better. Turning around, Takato looked at the mess that was in his room. Magazines, posters and empty liquor bottles were spilled across the floor, on top of vomit stains and crumbs leftover from Guilmon's large cookie.

Parading down the stairs to the kitchen, Takato continued to grab his head. His parents were sitting down to eat before opening the store for the day.

"Hey, kiddo," said Takato's father.

"Hey," groaned Takato, who then proceeded to cough.

"Sounds like you had a good night," his father quipped, a grin growing across his face. "Did you learn your lesson?"

"Yeah," spat Takato, taking a large glass of water that his mother put in front of him. "Hey mom, what did you do with that magazine Guilmon gave you?"

"Huh?" asked Takato's mother, trying to feign ignorance. "Sweetie, I don't know what you're talking about."

"The dirty magazine, mom, come on. You were hostile. You tried to kill him."

Takato's remark caused his father to give a strange look towards his mother. "That much of a reaction over a magazine, dear?"

"Not just _any_ magazine, honey," replied his mother.

"Mom posed naked," blurted Takato before taking a large swig of his water.

"Yes, I know," replied Takato's father. "That wasn't a particularly good issue. There was Britney...and Orlando."

"You knew about this?" asked Takato's mother, before suddenly shifting her tone of voice and her facial expression. "Wait...have _you_ been buying those magazines?!"

"Uh...well..." stuttered his father.

"I'll be upstairs," replied Takato, who didn't believe that the sound of his parents arguing would be any good for his hangover. He closed the door behind him, and noticed Guilmon was groaning on his bed. "Rise and shine, buddy."

"Oh...wow...Takato," started Guilmon, his voice coarse. "Don't think of me weird for saying this, but...yesterday...you and I...hanging out was _awesome!_"

Takato laughed briefly, then stopped due to the persistent pain in his head. Taking another large drink from his glass of water, he plopped himself down onto his chair near his desk. "This is going to take us all day to clean up."

"Yeah..." added Guilmon, sighing. "Was it worth it?"

"Totally," replied Takato, finishing his glass of water and feeling slightly improved. "Wasn't there something we were supposed to do yesterday? I've got this feeling in the back of my head...and it's not from the bottle I slept on."

"Eh..." groaned Guilmon, who was trying to think. "Something about bombing the Digital World?"

"That doesn't sound right," said Takato. "Maybe I'm just imagining things."

"Maybe."

"So...when's the next movie happening?"

Guilmon didn't respond. He was too busy making out with his autographed Madonna poster.

* * *

Henry, Rika, Terriermon, Renamon and Impmon stood at the entrance of the large building in the middle of desert (yet somehow in Japan) and looked around. They hadn't yet decided which direction to take, and spent the night at the large building.

"So, when is this movie going to take us back to where we came from?" asked Terriermon.

It doesn't. Suckers!

**THE END!****  
Cue cheesy ending theme!**


End file.
